The Press

When a cannibal tribe in Dark Africa turned vegetarian, population in the surrounding area increased significantly due to a rapidly dropping death rate. Government officials are talking to tribe leaders to try to change their minds in order to restore the natural equilibrium.

“We really got a situation here”, says governor Kwali Bahli. “People expect to be eaten sooner or later, so they don’t really have dreams nor work for their future. Now the cannibals have turned vegetarian, unemployment rates are going through the roof. It’s a situation that mustn’t last any longer. That’s why we try to make the cannibals change their mind. If we don’t succeed via official ways, we’ll try to bribe their medicinman; he’s got a lót of influence.”

A British multimillionaire didn’t spill a tear when he heard his 5-year-old son was kidnapped. When the culprit called him and asked for 500,000 British pounds if he ever wanted to see his son again, the man simply replied:“I’d much rather have those pounds than that kid. He’s always been a pain in the ass anyway, that little monster. Just keep him as far away from me as possible!” And with that, he hung up the phone, or so his wife told us.

The kidnapper turned out to be smart, because a few minutes later the phone rang again, and this time the demand was 500,000, or else he would see his son again soon. This got the millionaire véry frightened, and he immediately reported the case to the police, who started an investigation.

Today Dr. Iyam Dump released his new book, entitled MacOS vs Windows: the final battle. In this book he compares the latest MacOS to Windows 95, carefully explaining why MacOS is superior on almost every point.

“This will shut Windows-users’ big mouths for good”, says Dump. “There’s no denying the facts when they are presented this clear. Behold, the great switch is near!”

After graduating from the University of Tokyo, Shinji Tsuyoshi surprised his parents and his professors by announcing that he would spent the rest of his life reading the internet.

“When graduating I spent a lot of time on the internet doing research. Some days I would get up and take my place at the computer only to retire late in the evening. There’s so much interesting stuff to read, following one link after another, it just doesn’t stop anywhere. At some point I realized it would take far more than a lifetime to read it all, but also that I will never feel satisfied if I don’t read as much of it as possible. That’s why I decided I will spent the rest of my life reading the internet, it will be my fulltime job.”

Tsuyoshi has a lot of major companies interested in sponsoring him. He will start a blog with live webcam that, according to the experts, has a big chance of becoming very popular. Visitors would be able to see Tsuyoshi sitting at his computer all day, with a clear view of his monitor and the sites he is visiting. Companies would want to spent some of their marketingbudget on Tsuyoshi, provided he would wear their clothes or eat their products in front of the webcam. These products would also be advertised on his website.

“The internet provides us with new ways of making money, but can also suck up our time”, says Tsuyoshi. “Thinking about this, I concluded it should be possible to make money out of this lost time.” And that’s what he’s about to do.

An unidentified citizen of Nieuwegein, The Netherlands, regularly runs over pedestrians when riding his bicycle. Lately police have seen an increasing number of people making a charge against him. Our reporter went and found the 24-year-old cycler, who wishes to remain anonymous, and asked him for his reasons.

“When I’m on my way to the public library near the shoppingmall on a saturday”, he tells us, “there’s always people walking on the bicycle lane or crossing it without looking. I don’t understand this. I’m always coming through with high speed, so it’s very dangerous to carelessly walk or cross there. I finally came to the conclusion that they deliberately do it; intentionally blocking my way, meaning to say ‘Look at the power I have, blocking your way and all.’ When I realized this, I decided not to let them get at me anymore. I started running them over, everyone that gets in my way walking on the bicycle lane instead of the pavement, and it feels só good! I’ve had young and old, adults and children, under my frontwheel. Now when they see me approach, they run to safety. And I’m like:‘Who’s the boss now, huh?’”

15-year-old Arizona citizen John Winslow shot his classmate Eric Paulowsky through the head with his fathers Colt for no apparent reason. The victim died immediately. When asked how he had come to this act of violence John replied:“I was sick of seeing Eric in school everyday. The sole sight of his face just pissed me off!”

Eric Paulowsky was being bullied by John and his friends every day. They called him ‘the sheriff’ because he was always lecturing people when they didn’t conform to the school’s rules. In the past he has been set on fire, pushed before approaching cars, thrown off the school’s roof and almost drowned by John W. and his friends. John’s mom:“I never saw this coming, John is always such a sweet boy!”

John shot Eric when he was on his way home from school. Nobody witnessed the incident directly, but when in court the judge asked John to describe what exactly happened, John said:“I just shot him through the head, then he was dead.”